St. Nicky Claus, MBA

December 26, 8:55AM

I ALMOST didn’t deliver presents this year.

The elves didn’t reach their quotas.

The reindeer unionized.

And the cookies? 

Terrible. Absolutely terrible.

The wife has fallen so far behind.

We started this together, in a garage in the North Pole.

We scaled a legacy North Pole manufacturing plant into a fully optimized, end-to-end dream enablement platform. 

A platform to sustainably support the emotional thoughtput and expectation bandwidth of a multi-billion user demographic. 

Lately, she has lost sight of the vision.

The vision? 

To execute a globally synchronized, high-volume sentimental delivery initiative that leverages legacy sleigh-based technologies via logistics measures that vertically integrate elf manufacturing to maximize childhood delight across global markets. 

And to do so within a single, frictionless operational cycle.

One night needs MONTHS of planning. 

And my team didn’t meet the mark.

So what did I do?

I ditched the wife.

I downsized.

I bunkered down.

Everything—my blood, my sweat, my milk and cookies—went into the vision.

I stepped into the workshop for the first time in years.

I didn’t think I had to. Things ran so smoothly until now.

What a mistake!

I couldn’t believe what I saw!

Elves were working and near-breakneck speed.

We agreed on breakneck speed, not near-breakneck.

My fellow saints, THAT is why we have contracts.

I let them all go.

And as they left, I rolled up my sleeves and got to work.

There were no elves.

No Mrs. Claus.

Just one man… one list… and a mission.

I became the entire supply chain.

C-suite and assembly line.

Chief Joy Officer and frontline fulfillment.

With one eye, I audited real-time requests.

With the other, I verified against the Naughty/Nice ledger.

And with optimal efficiency, I even had the time to check it twice.

Then, I deployed high-impact deliverables into the sleigh.

No shortcuts.

No dependencies.

Just scalable magic.

I didn’t delegate Christmas.

I embodied it.

We didn’t reach an agreement with the reindeer.

I didn’t panic.

Their demands were clear:

Better weather gear.

Hazard pay for undesirable rooftops.

Coverage for nasal-affirming surgery.

Instead of viewing it as a conflict, I saw it as an opportunity.

An opportunity to let everyone go.

You read that right: a 100% reduction in reindeer staff.

The solution was so clear:

Transition from organic propulsion systems to an AI-enhanced autonomous aerial logistics network to sunset our reliance on cervine-powered mobility.

Through machine learning, predictive route optimization, and real-time global demand mapping, I found an opportunity to reduce delivery latency by 69% (lol) while increasing scalability across all timezones.

The result? 

A fully-automated, cloud synchronized gift distribution pipeline with zero hoofprint. 

No elves. No wife. No reindeer. 

True magic.

But it wasn’t enough.

I needed to scale more.

I needed to address the issue of gift disparity.

My good friend Elfa O’Reilly brings this up quite a bit.

He spoke of it again the night before Christmas.

Here’s a direct quote from his show, Claus & Order:

“Folks, let’s get one thing straight: Christmas is NOT socialism. 

I’m hearing a lot of noise from the left wing saying this like “It’s not fair that rich kids get more than poor kids.”

Well, boo-hoo. Cry me a box of peppermint fudge.

That’s not inequality. That’s performance-based gifting.”

Wow.

I mean, wow.

Performance-based gifting.

The key to ultimate gift-distribution efficiency.

Recent fluctuations in my workforce and family have made me a one-man show. 

I no longer have the time or the desire to comb through every socioeconomic sob story. 

Sure, I checked my lists, but I checked them differently.

Allow me to explain.

There’s naughty and there’s nice, but there’s also zip codes and income brackets.

There’s also societal expectations and influence.

Imagine a rich kid in the Palasades getting a wooden train for Christmas.

Maybe they’re a dick to their Mom—but so is their Dad.

These kids live in big houses.

They leave out gourmet cookies.

They submit detailed wishlists, and they do it on time.

They even have security systems linked to the NORAD tracker.

Compare that to the less fortunate.

No security system, just a dad with a beer and a baseball bat.

No snacks, just the worst picture of a chocolate chip cookie that you’ve ever seen.

Logistically, it doesn’t make sense to leave a PS5 at those homes.

But a wooden train? I’m all about it.

Some of you may judge me for that.

“But Santa… where’s your Christmas spirit?”

I’ll tell you where it is:

It’s in the REAL WORLD, where REAL problems exist.

I can’t solve the housing crisis.

I can’t bring healthcare to the masses.

And for the last time, I can’t bring your Mom back from the dead. 

I mean, I have the power to, but she’d come back in her CURRENT state. Yuck.

My goal is clearer than ever.

At present, I operate within a model that is structurally aligned with economic stratification.

The framework is intentional and I intend to operate within the expectations of international government regulation.

We have no roadmap for systemic reform, nor do we intend to explore it, for it is not conducive to our new AI-forward strategy.

Our focus remains on income-index gifting, wherein deliverables are scaled proportionately to household net worth and generational holiday contribution.

Maybe some of the parents were born with silver spoons in their mouths. 

NOT their fault. They didn’t ask to be born (and they certainly didn’t ask to be born rich).

They perform every day. They get their payments. It makes NO sense for their kids to be shortchanged just because Todd and Sally wished hard enough for a Tickle Me Elmo.

Lower-income demographics will continue to receive appropriately tiered symbolic offerings, and that’s okay. 

By and large, these demographics will NOT know what they are missing. That’s what the data says.

This year, we’ve delivered holiday satisfaction at-scale without compromising value.

Through AI optimization, we’re even exploring opportunities into Q3 activations, expanding “Christmas in July” from a gimmicky broadcasting effort to a true global rollout.

These efforts are made possible, in part, by my good friend Bezo the Greedy Elf.

Make no mistake: that is a family name.

Bezo the Greedy Elf is, in fact, the smartest man in logistics.

He’s a job creator. There’s NO SUCH THING as a greedy job creator. They’re the least selfish people out there.

Through Bezo’s North Pole Prime, we will be able to 2X the Christmas spirit by next year.

So, what can you learn from this?

Christmas was never about fairness. Christmas is about forecasted delight margins and maintaining our pole position in the seasonal sentiment economy.

Your family is holding you back. Do not let ANYONE doubt your holiday spirit. 

And ownership isn’t a title, it’s a mindset. 

Now, like all tech billionaires, it’s time for me to take a well-earned, 340-day break.

Jealous? 

Then it’s time to pivot.

DM me “Ho Ho Ho” for a FREE 5-minute introductory video on how I built an autonomous, AI-powered holiday delivery network in a single night. 

My course will teach you how to lead with data, delegate to machines, and drive joy at enterprise speed.

It’s time to “sleigh” the future.

"Scrooge is Dead," a collection of Holiday Stories, is coming soon.